Lagos vs Abuja - The Comparison Never Ends.
Today we're doing culture shocks, and corporate lingo with their hidden meanings.
Dear Gentle Reader,
One is a city where the tenant can send the landlord to prison and still have the audacity to live in the house for an extra 6 months to 1 year. The other is a city where even if you have a pool party, the boys/men would still pull up in a kaftan, as what? Swimming trunk? Ladies and gentlemen, I raise you culture shocks from these two cities. I’m sure by now, you know which is which 🤣🤣
Forget the dear gentle reader on top, I just started watching Bridgerton and feel like Lady Whistledown with this newsletter. 💀💀
What to expect in this newsletter.
Lagos vs Abuja (Culture Shocks)
Corporate Lingo Thesaurus
Open positions/Vacancies
Before you start reading, I am made an audio version of the newsletter as a test run. If you want to listen please click the audio below to listen to the newsletter instead. It’s my voice, and after listening, tell me if it’s something you’d like to continue seeing in the other newsletters going forward.
Please make sure you vote, so I really know what if to continue adding the feature or not! PLEASE VOTE.
Lagos vs Abuja (Culture Shocks)
Have you had the opportunity of visiting Abuja and Lagos and staying there for a while? Well, if you have not, this is your chance to live (quite vicariously) through me. And if you’ve had the experience of both cities, I’m calling on you to vet the things I’m about to say or call my bluff.
I need you to be very visual as you read this. Every experience I try to describe as shocks, please paint the picture in your head as much as you can.
Commute
In Lagos, the popular way of moving about is by danfo (those yellow buses), korope, and okada. Everyone knows this. People rarely use their cars to pick passengers except those people who live in the ends of Lagos (no offense to Ikorodu people, I am one myself), and need to hitch a ride to VI. In Abuja, it’s different oo. People use cabs, there’s no danfo, and no korope to take you around. It’s usually a green and white cab, but more personal cars too.
In Lagos there are these big blue buses called the BRT (forgive me for spelling it out this way. I want to pretend you have never seen or read about them). I have attached the photo below.
I have a story to tell, LMAO
The BRT station is one of my favourite spots. It's a place that reminds me of the fast life of Lagos, it's also a place of many emotions coming to play almost all at once. There's anger, joy, amusement, love, resentment, relief, amongst others.
If Rihanna's "we found love in a hopeless place" were to ever materialize, it would be at the BRT station. However, of all the phrases I love to hear at the BRT station, the most classic of them all is "Do you know who I am?"
You see, this phrase has fallen off the lips of so many Nigerians and it would leave you pondering about the mismatch between the looks of the speaker and whether or not to append gravitas to the phrase.
Anyways, I remember a "Do you know who I am?" who was standing in queue, waiting for a BRT bus. He wasn't standing in the normal queue, it was the one for people who were going to stand inside the BRT after the seats have been filled. And he dared ask, “do you know who I am?”
Yes, In fact, I know who you are! you are the Prince of Sussex, pretending to be poor as a test of character. Waiting to reward the next person who so humbly let's you beat the queue with money and power. Ewu(re)!
If not that we are all skit makers in this country, why you go dey ask 'do you know who i am' on top standing wey you dey hustle.
House Hunting
Have you ever come across the word LONG-SUFFERING? On one hand, it could mean to suffer long, literally. On the other hand, it could mean to have patience. To go house hunting in Lagos and Abuja, you have to have either of the two, or both for 2 factor authentication, because my dear, you will see SHEGE, and a lot of it.
To get a decent self-contain in Lagos & Abuja, in this current economy, you’d need at start your budget at 600k. There’s no culture shock here, just culture alignment. LMAO, I thought to add this because e dey pain my spirit, soul and body.
Also, don’t slack. You can say you’re interested in the house by 12, and before 1 that same day someone else has collected the house because you were not fast enough.
Leather
Everyone loves a good leather shoe or palm slipper, a good leather bag, a good leather belt in fact, and when you say leather in Lagos, your mind goes to the numerous things leather could be made into (even kpomo), but when you say it in Abuja, you’re simply asking for nylon to put the bread you just bought into (not just bread, anything you buy, just say it this way leh-da). Shocking ba? Na so me sef see am.
Okada men and not refusing money
If you need to be anywhere fast and save yourself ample time, you need these guys. Okada men are especially important in Lagos to help you beat the traffic, and they had to be banned from major roads, just to show you how bad the traffic situation is in Lagos. In Abuja, you almost don’t need bike men on Major roads because the roads are a lot better and there’s reduced traffic. You might need them sha if you live in the trenches and need to use them further on roads where the tars stop.
While the bikemen in Abuja might have a dagger handy (this is a stereotype but I want to believe it), they will almost never refuse a ‘cellotaped’ or torn money. They accept it in good faith that they will give another passenger and that person will in turn give it to another bikeman and the cycle continues. But you see Lagos! Small tear like this, your okada man will sit with you in front of your destination till you produce another money.
Other Culture Shocks
I wish to squeeze in more culture shocks into this one newsletter but I fear that it may be too lengthy for you, and as we know, long and boring is off-brand for me, so I’m going to do a part 2 to this newsletter.
Let’s move to other sections of the newsletter now, shall we? But first, a quote.
"To be honest, UK is just like Lagos. Feels like a branch of Nigeria. There are so many Nigerians there"
- a weyrey, who has never been outside Lagos and Ibadan, and who does not, in fact, have a passport.
Corporate Lingo Thesaurus
Situation - When feedback on your work comes at a point where it’s too late to do anything.
Lingo- ‘Thank you for your feedback, it shall be incorporated into the next project’
True Meaning - ‘Who asked you for your input? Anyways, because I cannot slap you, I’ll be cautious to just say this.’
Situation - When given a task you really don’t want to submit that day.
Lingo - ‘Give me till the close of business to get back to you’
True Meaning - ‘This thing you have given me to do, I won’t even answer you. I just need to delay till the end of the day so I can tell you something came up and that’s the end.’
Situation - When given a task clearly meant for someone else.
Lingo - ‘I believe so so so person is in the best position to effectively execute this task’
True Meaning - ‘Oh Lord! How I want to strangle you for bringing this thing to me in the first place. But since you have amnesia, I will remind you that e no dey my JD when una hire me, go and meet so so so person.’
Situation - When you sent an email to someone but they refused to honor it.
Lingo - ‘Did you get my mail?’
True Meaning - ‘Hmm, I know you saw my mail and have refused to respond. God save your papa say read receipts no dey for email, I for drag you like mad. But now that I’m reminding you, go and respond.’
Situation - When you have not responded to a task but have seen it.
Lingo - ‘It’s on my radar’
True Meaning - ‘Truth is I saw it, and I have not responded to it. So what are you going to do about it, ehn?!’
Situation - An infamous line used by the HR/TM (Human Resource/Talent Management) or even the CEO.
Lingo - ‘We are like Family here’
True Meaning - ‘You are about to witness the complete opposite. We will use you more than you’re meant to be used, and when you need to get a raise, we will buy you pizza. If the work is good enough, it’s the expensive triple decker Debonairs we will buy, if not, it’s Dominos oh! Bottomline is that you should run away.’
Vacancies
Landmark Africa Group is looking for a badass Graphic Designer. If this sounds like you, send your Resume, Cover Letter, and Portfolio to: recruitment@landmarkafrica.com using "Graphic Designer Application" as the subject of the email.
There is also an open role for a Product Manager at mDoc Healthcare Limited. Send your Applications to: mdoc_recruiting@mymdoc.com using the Job Title as the subject of the mail.
If you studied Law and you don’t want to be doing affidavit for people because you’re not practicing, there’s an open slot for a Legal Executive at Red Star Express Plc. Just send your CV/Resumes to: recruitment@redstarplc.com using the Job Title as the subject of the mail. But they said you must be ICSAN-certified.
For the Digital gurus in the house. There’s an opening for a Digital Media Strategist. Just send your resume to: hirezhulirecruiters@gmail.com using the Job Title as the subject of the email. A little birdie told me the pay is between 250k to 300k.
The accountants in the house, this one is for you. There’s an open position for an Accountant at Micheal Stevens Consulting. Pay is 350k to 400k per month, and it’s at Ikoyi. But these ones have so many rules like, you must know how to use tally software, you must be a Chartered Accountant-ACA, you must reside in Lagos, and final one which might be a pointer that the job is for your uncle not you is that the age for this is between 40 - 44. They clearly have a problem with GenZs and Millennials. Apply here - Apply: https://docs.google.com/forms/d/e/1FAIpQLSeoEXjvUy62Nt9MJy_2Q-n-aiIkHJo_1eCdYvfucL5Fh5bXPw/viewform
Then the one below is a picture, kindly read and apply if it’s within your scope.
As usual, don’t forget to comment, like and share my newsletter with your friends and family so I can blow. But more importantly, help people around by sharing these great tips.
My friend is having her first event. It’s a Live Poetry in Reading event, and If you’re in Abuja and want to attend this Saturday 29th, I have 2 free tickets (It’s not free sha, but I’ve paid for it for you) to give out. I will also be attending. Just comment “I want the ticket” and I’ll give it to you.
Many thanks to you Dear gentle writer 😄( hope it's sounds like Miss Whistlebrown or is it Whistleblown?)
As always, a beautiful read🥹
The pizza situation though😂 quite relatable.